Meeting People is Queasy

I went for a haircut today, and I don’t think my hair has ever been this short. Once in a while I wonder what my head would look like if I shaved it completely bald. I’m not sure I’d be able to pull it off. I have a birthmark on the back of my neck that would stick out like a sore thumb. I’m satisfied with the way it looks now, though. I’ve tried growing it out a bit, and I think it looks okay to a point, but after a while the hair that grows at the very front starts to look a tad straw-like. I wish I knew how to take better care of it. I need a metrosexual guardian angel to whisper valuable info about shampoos and blow-drying temperatures from my shoulder as it helpfully sweeps any errant dandruff away.

There are a few things I’ve been wanting to write about lately, but work has been busy. I suppose work would be a decent starting point: I’m currently tackling four or five different jobs, and trying to beat back the tendency I have to take on too much. My professional life has really mounted into something sustainable. I’ve found some of that mythical grown-up “success” recently, I guess, and the future shows promise; the key is finally hashing out a schedule that won’t do me in physically and still keep me engaged.

Putting all my eggs into the career basket over the past year has meant that my social life has taken a hit. Work is something I have a modicum of control over; how I’m able to interact with people is another matter, and finding a comfort zone in Vancouver has proven difficult.

I spend a fair bit of time trying to convince myself that it’s okay to come home night after night to an empty apartment, and often I’m able to. I enjoy being alone. It’s great to be sitting on my couch right now, not having to answer to anybody, doing the dishes when I bloody well feel like it, playing my music as loud as I want. But it gets lonely at times. Sometimes I think I’d be better off with a cat, a goldfish, something to talk to, something to say “hello” to as I walk in the door. As funny as it sounds, that’s maybe what I miss most about being in a relationship – knowing that soon enough, I’d be in a room with another living, breathing being, that I’d be able to fall asleep in the vicinity of something that depended on me for some kind of sustenance. I miss that.

Not to impugn an entire population, but I don’t understand this city sometimes, and I’m not the only one. I’ve made a few attempts to build on new friendships since moving here, but nothing has seemed to stick. I have a better opportunity now than ever to try again, but I’m hesitating. What if it doesn’t work out? Some of the attempts I’ve made at connecting with others have gone nowhere for no good reason. A lot of the people here seem to lack on-board radars for inclusion. I’d like to think it’s not just me.

But I don’t want to bellyache. I’d rather arrive at solutions. I have a goal to host a party before I head home for winter break. I’m not going to give up on this. Finding fun, like-minded individuals can’t be that hard, even if I don’t have the same excuses and opportunities I used to. I’ll take baby steps, one at a time. The first is clearing a bit of space apart from all the work I’m dealing with. A balance must be achieved.

Plus, I want to show off my kick-ass new bar stools and soon-to-be-mounted art posters. I finally have this space more or less exactly how I want it, and it’s ended up consisting of lots of different areas to sit and feel immersed in a new lease on things. I’d like to share that with others. I’ll make a home out of this place yet.


About Joel Crary

Joel Crary is a 30'ish 21st century writer living in Vancouver, British Columbia. He enjoys films, mostly. View all posts by Joel Crary

One response to “Meeting People is Queasy

  • fashionflirt

    I never knew that my true calling in life was to be a metrosexual guardian angel. I can probably answer your hair care questions/offer suggestions on how to care for your hair.

    I totally understand the struggle between liking to be alone (I love to be alone… LOVE it – I’m actually surprised that living with someone isn’t more irritating than it is, because I like my alone time so much), and the desire to socialize, have human connection, battle the loneliness that goes along with a more solitary lifestyle. I also find it frustrating, this business of being friends with people over the internet. I’d love to be able to hope on the Skytrain (or whatever) and come over to hang out. Posts like these remind me that I love to hang out with people in person, not just tweet them and read their blogs.

    I like the new cut – it’s different, but good.

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